My father made me do it.

It is amazing how much of an effect our parents have on our lives.  Oftentimes in focus groups I hear statements such as:

• "I use this detergent because that is what my mother always used.”

•  “My grandmother had the best skin and this moisturizer was part of her ritual so I use it as well.”

•   “My father always drank his coffee black so that is how I drink it.”

Today, on the 15^th anniversary of my 21^st birthday, I was reminded that we don’t just take on our parent’s product preferences; we eventually become our parents.

It was an innocent enough situation; I was watching my kids at our swimming club when I noticed there was another child splashing water outside of the pool.  It bothered me that he was doing this because the water was going everywhere and getting my canvas beach bag wet.  After a few minutes I could not take it anymore and blurted out, “Hey kid, keep some water in the pool will ya!”

It was as if I had an out of body experience the moment these words left my lips.  I could see myself looking at my father and saying, “The circle is now complete. When I left you I was but a learner, now I am the master.”

The kid stopped splashing and swam to the other side of the pool; apparently, there weren't any crotchety 36 year olds on the opposite end. 

I then realized that I have become my father in other ways.  First off, the obvious; I have a bald spot right where his is.  Secondly, I make up my own swear words when someone cuts me off while driving (the other day I heard my daughter ask my mom what a douchemaster is).  While I have not yet worn black socks with shorts in public, I have gone out to the mailbox wearing my boxer shorts to grab the morning paper.

Perhaps now that I am conscious of this transformation I can stop the inevitable from happening such as:

• Forcing my children to leave church early on a Saturday afternoon so I can watch the end of a golf tournament

• Making my teenage kids bend down a bit while at the movie theater to get them in at the 12 and under rate

• Drenching my salad in so much oil and cheese to the point where it loses any nutritional value that may have existed

If any of you are wondering what in the name of God I was doing at the pool on a Monday afternoon, go back and read my prior post on procrastination and the answer will be simple.  I have a report to write!

Procrastination

Prior to this week I was on the road for nine days; all for one project. This of course means I have a lot of writing to do. Many people I know who do what I do for a living dread the report writing process, with good reason. We have to take multiple hours of conversations and converge what we heard into themes and then turn those themes into opportunity areas for our clients. In short the report has to say ‘this is what we heard and this is what it all means.’

I actually look forward to the writing process as I view it as a creative outlet. Also, great reports are a better marketing tool for building client business than fancy lunches, holiday gifts, or slick sales materials.

All that said, I face a problem when it comes to writing research reports; procrastination. To me, this is different than dread; I don’t fear the process of writing nor am I overwhelmed at the task at hand, I simply put off starting a report as long as I possibly can without endangering a deadline. The primary reason is once I start, I will literally get lost in the writing process until I have lost all sense of time.  I will forget to eat and will build a wall around myself (a la Roger Waters) until the report is ready to be proofed.

What are some of my procrastination methods? Have a look and tell me what you think.

• Cleaning my desk. My desk is typically a mess (but of course I know where everything is). I have been known to actually file stuff to put off writing a report.
• Cleaning the kitchen. This is one my wife does not complain about. If there are dishes in the sink, I will go upstairs and clean them – I might even empty the dishwasher (without being told) from time to time before putting pen to paper.
• Going for a run. This, I argue, helps with the writing process as I tend to reflect on a project during long runs and organize my thoughts.  The bigger the project, the longer the run.
• Facebook. Enough said.
• Reflecting out what TV dad I would be. I decided on Jason Seaver from Growing Pains. Not many of you know this, but I am a huge Alan Thicke fan. His vocals on the Different Strokes theme song are classic.
• Wii. I find a quick 3 holes of golf against one of my kids is a great way to humble myself before starting the writing process.
• Inbox management. The last thing I will do is actually filter through all of the email in my various inboxes and do a great purge.

After engaging in some or all of these activities, I can begin the process of converging observations, building themes, and crafting insights for my client. Oops, there is one thing I left off the list, updating this blog.

Hotel Bar Hookups

What a week! Yesterday I ended an eight day project involving a series of focus groups, in home interviews, and shop-a-longs in Cincinnati and Charlotte. My brain is spent, so much so that I cannot even begin the report writing process until I get to chill out a bit. Cue the Jimmy Buffett music and find me a blender.

My hotel in Charlotte was situated walking distance from a “Gentleman’s Club.” Where this term came from, I am not sure because I don’t think you could accuse any married man who frequents such a club a gentleman. Anyway, someone I was traveling with this week had his heart set on going. He asked me to tag along but I declined saying, “That kind of thing just isn’t my bag baby.”

My “bag” is sitting at the hotel bar with my laptop and writing stories about the people sitting around me. For those of you who think this is antisocial behavior, I will remind you that I talk to strangers all day long for a living. The last thing I want to do at night is engage in idle conversation with my fellow business travelers.

Well the truth is oftentimes stranger than any fiction I could write in a hotel bar. I was sitting at the bar, minding my own business with a Jameson on the rocks and my trusty MacBook Pro when I noticed a younger woman to my left working her thumbs out on her blackberry like she was trying to hack into the WOPR computer.

A minute later, another woman walked into the bar with a very drunk “friend” in tow. The two women smiled at each other as if they knew each other. The conversation with the man and woman went like this:

Woman: “What do you want to drink, baby?”

Man: “I think eight drinks is enough, I’ll just have a beer.”

Woman: “Bartender, can we have two beers?”

Man: “Can we take these back to the room?”

Bartender: “Yes”

Man: “Come on, I have you for two more hours.”

Woman: “Let’s go, baby.”

With that the man, lets call him John for the sake of argument, and woman left the bar.

Turning my attention back to the woman next to me, it seemed as if she met a friend at the bar. The guy was relatively good looking and the two hit it off. Next thing I know I hear the woman tell the bartender that she and her friend will be back in a half hour and will pay for their drinks then.

Surely enough, the two were back in a half hour looking a little disheveled.

The conversation that ensued between them upon their return is one that I will never forget:

Woman: “Hey, you are a really nice guy.”

Man: “Thank you.”

Woman: “I don’t find too many nice guys. Most are jerks.”

Man: “Well I am here to change the world’s opinion of men.”

Me (to myself as Seth Meyers from SNL): Really? You just paid for sex but you are trying to change the world’s opinion of men. Really? I wonder what your wife thinks of how you are going about this noble effort.

Woman: “Hold on one sec, I think my cell phone is ringing.”

Woman’s cell phone Ringtone: “Would-you-like-to-play-a-game?”

All in all it was a great two-week project filled with a lot of insight and comical observations. Can’t wait to see what the next project has in store.

The South Won't Rise Again

I am in Charlotte this week for some focus groups and in home interviews / shop a longs. I am looking hard for this Southern Hospitality thing I have heard about, but thus far it has been elusive.

I checked into my hotel yesterday morning which apparently had a sauerkraut cook-off earlier in the day because every floor smelled like my grandma Carlon's signature dish; she was part German although we don't admit to that lineage.

Then I had a rude woman in a focus group last night. I had a hard time actually hearing what she said because the entire time I was looking at her, I was fantasizing that she was the size 14 at the bottom of Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb's well in The Silence of the Lambs.

Today I will be driving all over the greater Charlotte area and will hopefully have some pleasant experiences to write about during the remainder of this trip. That said, the unpleasant ones are, perhaps, more entertaining aren't they?

It's In the Bible

I ran three focus groups yesterday in Cincinnati and the topic of discussion was refrigerated heat and serve entrees; you know, the things you stick in the microwave, heat up for a few minutes, and call dinner.

I started the session asking people what they thought of the idea of these products as a whole, and one woman said she did not like these types of products. The conversation went something like this:

Mike: "And what do you think of these products, Molly?"
Molly: "I do not like them."
Mike: "And what are all the reasons you can think of why these are a turn-off for you?"
Molly: "I only have one."
Mike: "Let's hear it."
Molly: "I don't like these products because the Bible tells you these products are not good for you."
Mike: "Where in the Bible does it say that heat and serve refrigerated entrees are not good for you?"
Molly: "Well, the Bible says not to eat unclean foods."
Mike: "What did you feed your daughter for dinner last night?"
Molly: "McDonalds."
Everyone else: "LOL"

You really can't make this stuff up.

What I want to know, though, is if the Book of Genesis tells us not to eat unclean foods (i.e. anything except vegetables/fruits), what did people eat after the great flood when all vegetation was wiped out? I am guessing a lot fewer animals made it off of the Ark than on the Ark.

This leads to a final question, how many of each animal did Moses put on the Ark?

If you answered two, you are wrong. Moses did not build an Ark, Noah did.

So there!

Like we stole it?

I find myself on commuter jets quite often for business. I will be honest, I do not like flying them. I happen to think that it is the "entry level" job for a new pilot.

Last Sunday I flew from LaGuardia to Dayton on a US AIR commuter flight that was running late. After we boarded the plane, the pilot came on and said, "Don't worry, we may be leaving late but we are going to fly this plane like we stole it and get you to Dayton on time."

In the immortal words of Seth Meyers, 'really?' And I thought the co-pilot looked a bit like Winona Ryder.

Losing 80 Pounds

I interviewed a man the other night in his home and the topic of our conversations was eating habits. He told me that his eating habits had changed rapidly in the past few months and of course I had to ask him how they have changed. He told me that since April he had lost 80 pounds (and he was by no means small).

He did it under the supervision of a doctor and ate in such a way that his body was living off of stored fat. He also started running and biking.

His goal is to have a 36 inch waist; something he told me he hadn't had since 8th grade when he was more than a foot shorter than he is now.

He has his mind set on a goal and is letting nothing get in the way of his achieving that goal. He has a very supportive wife who has also lost a significant amount of weight. I was thinking to myself, "what could the impetus be for losing this weight now?" Moments after having that thought the question was answered as a three year old boy decided to join our conversation.

I sometimes forget in this job that the people I speak to and elicit insight from are more than just consumers; they are people. They have families, hopes, dreams, motivations, and plans for the future. All of these things impact our attitudes towards products, categories, advertising, and our own behavior. Just something I am going to keep in mind as I continue to talk to people for a living.

Sorry for the deep thoughts, I promise to be funny again soon.

Failing a personality test

As a moderator, I do a lot of traveling for business. In all my years going through airport security I have come to one conclusion; that TSA agents have to actually fail a personality test to become employed.

Accents are Funny

I was once in Nashville doing some focus groups for a lawnmower manufacturer. When I asked the men in the group what they are looking for in a new lawnmower, one man with a thick southern accent said “I am looking for a big dick,” and he held out his two hands about 12 inches apart.

Of course, he actually said, “I am looking for a big deck,” but with his accent I thought I heard him say something completely different. I would have maintained my composure if it were not for the man sitting to my right who started laughing uncontrollably. I immediately had to excuse myself from the room in order to catch my breath.